A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
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What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Always…
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Put a ring on it
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?