[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
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[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again