TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
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The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Sticker placement is key.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?