Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
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[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream