MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
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Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Vodka burrito was a success
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.