[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
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Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.