only writing recipes in wordart from now on
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If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
drew a comic about my origin story
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?