MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
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Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
me adding lol on a serious message
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
I unironically love this joke.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.