Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
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Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
the greatest twitter interaction
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I falcon love using swear birds
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
This kinda thing happens to me often
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.