I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
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Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Worth a try
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.