It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
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Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
that colleague who touches your screen
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password