TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
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The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel