I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
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[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Guy who likes music
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
October already? What’s next? November????
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.