I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
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In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
constantly working on myself.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
God, I love Scotland