*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
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RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.