Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
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We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
#Caturday
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing