Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
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A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind