Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
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Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)