My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
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ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]