Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
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My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.