Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
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Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Said the murderer.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE鈥橲 FRIEND: she鈥檚 eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That鈥檚 how numbers work
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
real
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Skills
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it鈥檚 so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It鈥檚 *eucalyptus*
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 馃敟
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I hate feeling like I鈥檓 racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren鈥檛 we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it鈥檚 over for you benches
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop