Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
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My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help