What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
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I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
That time Alicia messaged me
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Going into Monday like
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐