My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
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Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
why am I working on Labor Day