Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
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Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another