My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
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Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.