[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
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When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
what’s really going on
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭