My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
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I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time