What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
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The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.