[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
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ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I only treason on days ending in y
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children