Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
What my back needs
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
me, after any kind of buffet.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”