My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
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*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.