You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
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I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.