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No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
A fake ID that makes you younger
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what