Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
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“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”