I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
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Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.