School be like
You Might Also Like
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Dishonest mechanic?
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
thanksgiving in nutshell
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]