ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
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babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
at ease…shoulder.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday