ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
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No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
What fresh Hell is this?!?
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.