A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
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Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.