[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
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my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Meow
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again