yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
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I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Seems kinda suspicious
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”