Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
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My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
This is Sparta
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Follow me for more fitness tips.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL