*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
You Might Also Like
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.