If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
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Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
But wait…
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb