Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
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Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works