Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
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Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.