*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
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I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”