Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
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“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Finally!
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.