Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
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*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
The photographer’s assistant
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.